Should I stay or should I go?

Being in a new land brings challenges. Everything is different and you are a long way from home. Sometimes the days seem to lead nowhere in terms of building the life you really want there. 

Recently I have spoken to a number of people who are beginning to struggle with thoughts about should I stay or should I go? Is it worth the levels of resilience and persistence needed to stay in their new country and keep pushing forward or should they come to the conclusion they would be better trying elsewhere, even back "home" again?

Such thoughts are very natural when perhaps finding work is not working out, maybe you have a time limit due to a visa, you are struggling to understand if you are "beginning to understand" the new cultures, or you are just feeling uncertain that you made the right move.

I'm often all for being resilient and understanding that struggles are useful from the perspective of learning, growing your own sense of who you really are and how you cope with difficulties, but how do we know when we are moving towards a point when enough is enough?

Below are some steps you could take to help you gain clarity on whether staying in the new country aligns with your values and goals, especially while navigating career challenges. It will help you explore both the practical and emotional aspects of the decision, and maybe help you bring focus on what truly matters to you, to inform that decision as best as only you can.

I'd recommend setting up time and space for this. I find going somewhere new for a few hours, maybe a library or a new cafe can be stimulating to thinking. If you can, leave distractions behind, leave your phone at home, just take a pen and some paper. It's surprising how it can help clear your mind to not have your tech with you and avoid the inevitable interruptions it can bring for a few hours. You don't need to be far from home and can inform people near you so they can reach you easily if needed. You can revisit the work you do in this time over the next days and weeks and use it in discussions with your family, friends or loved ones. 

Reflect on Your Values and Goals

In this section, you’ll write about what matters most to you at this stage in life and how your new country or city aligns with those priorities.

Values: List your top values. Sometimes building a value tree can help here. This part of the work holds the truth to everything that follows. 

A value tree starts with your core purpose, or overarching goal that reflects what you most value in life - "Live a fulfilling life", or "Have meaningful relationships" are examples. 

Break this core purpose down into a few key areas of your own personal values. These are wide areas that can contribute to your main goal in ways that matter to you. For example "Relationships", "Purpose or Meaning", "Career Growth".

For each of these look into how they expand to more specific values that give more depth and clarity.

As an example for relationships you could decide that "Trust", "Caring", "Communication" are what matter the most to you. If you take "Health and Wellness" as a key area, what does that mean to you? It could be "Fitness" or "Nutrition" or it could be "Balance" and "Honesty with Yourself"

Finally you can take each area and look at how this manifests itself practically for you to support your values. If we look at "Health and Wellness" again we can maybe think this could be "Regular exercise", "Mindfulness practice", "Hobbies " or perhaps it's "Community", "Avoiding Burnout"

Your finished value tree could look something like this:

Core Purpose: Live a fulfilling life

• Relationships
  • Trust
  • Communication
  • Caring
• Health and Wellbeing
  • Exercise
  • Mental Wellness
  • Group Hobbies or Sports
• Personal Growth
  • Curiosity
  • Resilience
  • Adventure
• Purpose and Meaning
  • Community
  • Spirituality
  • Helping others

Now you have your values in mind you can ask yourself how do each of these currently play out in your life? What opportunities does your new location offer that align with your values? Where does it fall short? Write the answers to these questions down in as much detail as possible.

Career Goals: You know your values now but what about your career? How do you want your career to develop? Describe your ideal career situation, both in the short term and the long term. Be as specific as possible.

Write down what you are interested in working with, what you imagine this will give you in your career, what it will bring to your sense of wellbeing and achievement. Consider how you will feel in this future career path, what is your ideal outcome and how will it impact your life and the lives of those around you at work and at home. Consider everything you can here, for example, what type of company you wish to work for, what culture and purpose they will have, what language you will use, how will your cultural background bring benefit and added value. 

Now consider can this new country provide opportunities that align with these goals? Are there unique professional growth opportunities here that would be harder to find elsewhere? For each area you wrote about, look at what is available (or not) to support you in your new land. 

What’s Working and What’s Not?

You need to have a clear picture of the positives and challenges of staying.

What’s Working: Write everything you enjoy or appreciate about your new location, whether it’s the environment, people, lifestyle, or cultural aspects. Reflect on how each of these factors impacts your happiness or personal growth.

What's not working: List specific career rejections, obstacles, or issues that have felt challenging. Reflect on which challenges are likely to improve over time and which may be harder to overcome. Are these issues tied to being in a new country, or are they general challenges that might occur elsewhere?

Visualize Two Future Paths

Write down how you envision your life going if you either decide to stay in this country or if you choose to leave and return to a place that feels more familiar.

Path A (Staying): Write a brief narrative about what your life could look like if you decide to stay. Consider professional and personal aspects over the next 6 months to a year. How do you feel in this future? What do you experience daily?

Path B (Leaving): Write a narrative about what your life could look like if you decide to return to your home country or another familiar place. Reflect on whether returning might offer an easier career path or a sense of comfort, and how that compares to the growth and challenges you’d miss out on by leaving.

Weighing the Intangible Aspects

Intangible elements—like a sense of belonging, adventure, or fulfillment—have a strong influence and can help us make tough decisions. Ask yourself these questions and write down your responses: 

• What have I learned about myself during this time?
• Am I growing in ways I wouldn’t have elsewhere?
• What would I regret more in the long run: staying and struggling a bit longer, or leaving and potentially missing out on the unknowns here?

Actionable Steps to Test Your Decision

If you’re still uncertain, think about wether you could you try a “test period” of committed effort to make the most of your current situation. If you think this will help consider the following

Set a Timeframe: Choose a time period (e.g., 3 or 6 months) to focus on making this work and look for new strategies to overcome career obstacles.

Seek Support: Reach out to a local mentor, career coach, or join networking groups to better understand the job market and create connections.

Evaluate After the Test Period: Revisit this exercise after your test period and see if your thoughts have changed. You may feel differently with more experiences under your belt or clearer insights into your goals and values.

Some final thoughts

Moving abroad is a major life shift, not everyone will attempt it and the discomfort you’re feeling now is a natural part of that adjustment. I hope by reflecting on both the practical and emotional sides of the decision, you can gain a clearer sense of whether your new country offers the potential for the life you want or if you’d feel more fulfilled returning to a familiar place.

No choice has to be permanent—you’re free to adapt and make changes based on your evolving priorities and experiences and we cannot predict the future or what it will bring.

Also try to remember nothing ventured, nothing gained. You have already ventured! Your move has already taught you many things and helped you grow, however you decide to look at the future you have not failed in any way by things not working out as you maybe hoped they would. It takes courage and an open mind to move to a new country and those are valuable character traits wherever you end up.

I wish you all the best in your decisions /Scott